FOR IMMEDIATE UNIVERSE-WIDE RELEASE:
To my Disciples,
It has come to my attention that users of the i Pod community have become disillusioned, we must not fall in this era of hard times. My dream was to create a community of products that would bring people together through Apple technology, making a worldwide family. Since 2001, the year of the first gen iPod, this culture of music sharing and communication has grown incredible fast. It has been like watching my child growing up. From that clunky white brick to Apple’s newest product, the i Phone, we have consistently been able to deliver revolutionary products. I’ve watched these products gather a following, and usher in a new age of communication.
One with an iPod is never alone, that user now has tens of millions of family members. Our product has created a culture as a byproduct. Apple stores are the safe haven for this culture; users can come in to our white lit room, lighting has been proven to stimulate happiness, and talk with others of their kind about the newest itunes downloads (currently on version 8.5.1.2.7). Apple has not created these establishments, it has been the users demand for them that has driven the company to grow more than I could have ever fathomed. Apple is spreading; there is really no stopping it. Consumers have spoken, and they want to belong. And to those consumers I say: we want you to belong, you are welcome here.
Today, during the year of Darwin, I’d like to introduce an evolutionary product. We know you are ready for this now, something that will bring us closer than ever before, something which will encompass each and every one of our family. Friends, today I would like to present the iReligion. I decided to introduce iReligion at this time simply because the world can wait no more. Scriptures from the very first Macintosh, as well as the New Manuals from the family of next gen products will be available through podcasts, on the iSermon channel which will be synced to your iPod nano, shuffle, touch, or i Phone free of charge after you have registered your iPod with iReligion. I’ve had a vision for Apple, and the creation of i Religion is my vision fulfilled. We here at Apple have created a slogan that just makes us warm: “Join or Perish”. I’ve taken a bite from the Apple, and let me tell you, the taste is sweet; you must try it for yourself. All the details will not be released just yet, but what is to come will not only change the lives of the Apple family, but every member of this planet. Sync with me, sync with your neighbors, sync to iReligion. I hope to see you there.
Your Friend:
Steve Jobs
The i Pod has ruined America in more ways than one:
1) The introduction of single song purchasing has killed the art of an album (flow, time spent on art, as well as time spent on the whole album, etc.).
More Than One)
Playlists becoming memories
Creating a generation of introverts
Creating a generation of ‘dancers’
Fueling a sense of materialism
Increasing hearing loss in children, as well as their family
Monopoly of Music
Putting ‘our’ eggs in the same basket
Skewing the lesson of sharing
Slaughtering the art of eye contact
Pointless accessories, leading to fashion faux paus, in turn lowering teen and pre-teen self esteem on a National Scale
Crowding the coat and pants pockets of 27 Million citizens last year
(My College Composition II class is doing a research paper on the iPod and its effects on society and America as a whole. These are the first two pages to my paper, of course the first is a mock press release from the man in the black sweater. Let me know what you think, any input is much appreciated.)
